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1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.

about

I-I (Water)
at the waking all is still
for the moment, an act of will
till the child release it’s wailing
we will not see home again

I should have died upon the water
I recognize the truth again

so the wretched do their part
gallant life now reduced to art
at the player’s first positions
so begins the tale of tales

I should have died upon the water
I should advise, the fool speaks again
I deputized your sons, your daughters
I told the lies that drew our end
I should have died upon the water
I should have died, but here I am
here I am

I-II (Signatory)

in years since I walked away
I’m feeling the lie set straight
chambered and quarantined
that’s not what disclosure means
ragged and run aground
silent I hear that sound
waiting with labored breath
I always forget the rest

still wanders in the man
a fine feathered pen in hand
selling the last great dream
knowing what desperate means
they all know what desperate means
we are men of desperate means

and the fine print says behave
and the bold print drives it home
in return the father’s love
will insure your voyage home
and the fine print deals in time
that the bold print wont refine
so the lonely sign their name
you put yours right next to mine
you put your right next to mine
you sign, and I’ll sign

I-III (Remains)

I wasted good weather
on reeling, course correcting
should have figured it out
so very much sooner
the feelings clear like clouds
and what remains seems tainted
the stains seem permanent

throw me out
they threw me out and stole my home
hold me now
show me how I am
to live a life in what remains

the wasteland, still warm
the ruins that warn
times needy and dire
are coming

I-IV (Black Fawn)

echoes are the way
surfaces betray
the absence of content
I know no other way
these walls so thin
I cannot avow this anyway

so here you find me, wasted and broken
I fall to darkness, a true born black fawn

how much of this can I put on you?
practicing your deft evasions
your quaint illusions
I want there to be more that I can transfer
and delegate
to someone I can erase
who’s not wearing my face

yet here you find me
wretched and righted
and reigning in darkness
your baby boy….a black fawn

upon the thrones of men
I see myself again
in cloaks, natured and nurtured
mine is only to survive

until you find me
face down and smiling
and left there in solitude
and end fit for endings
let flags fly, let the trumpets sound
the very last of the black fawn

I-V (Suspicions)

a moment to affirm the claimant please
a moment to confirm the motive as pure
if I’m to do this, if I’m to surrender
then I need to be sure

can you repeat that last bit
the sound landed hard on my ear
you seem to be saying, seem to be claiming
to be speaking for god

see liars and lovers of power and more
have long roamed the causeways
our prairies and shores
and you my friend have the look of them

have you come to save me?
have you come to rape me?

I-VI (Ghosts)

knowing that I was right
knowing that you conspired
knowing all that I know now
I’m claiming you as a liar
knowing all of the words
left now to ring in my head
knowing they’ll be no relief

I release the ghost inside you
I commit your essence to the earth
And all your deeds to history
I will be the first to forget

knowing all that was lost
knowing the reach of the fire
knowing how long it would take
for this aching fear to expire
and still there you stand on that hill
with ribbons and bows on the wind
and new victims still marching in
marching in

I release the ghost inside you
I commit your essence to the earth
and all your acts to history
I will be the first to forget

take a moment to breathe
take just a second to grasp
all of the damage you’ve caused me
you’ve poisoned my first to my last
and so in this desperate place
and so with the power now in hand
I finally now can embrace my past

I release the ghost inside you
I commit your essence to the earth
and all your deeds a history
I will be the first to forget

you broke me

II-I (Rise)

old bones, disparate parts
scattered fragments
leave us little to rebuild with
just a faint wish and a blueprint
someone left behind

still you and I
we will somehow find a way
to rise and make this right again

pull back, all your cells track
and recall, and store for the winter
is all we need, and the seed
of something new

you and I
we will somehow start today
to rise and construct our better end
we will build our better end
we will build our better end
decide our own end
decide our own end
we will decide our own end

II-II (Traps)

all this now behind us
its time to sell it all
every serious offer
will be entertained

see we need room for whiskey
we need room for sex
we need room to grow into ourselves

baby that’s enough
maybe its enough to build
a new beginning
sex to feel, and drink for numbing
that’s quite enough you say
just don’t let loose my hand you say
the jump is frightening
earthen traps, and skies of lightning

straighten your spine
collars and cuffs
the dream is real
the fire burns still
while you’re wasted
and while you’re wanton
I’ve been so busy
I’ve been so bad

baby that’s enough
maybe its enough to build
a new beginning
sex to feel, and drink for numbing
that’s quite enough you say
just don’t let loose my hand you say
the jump is frightening
earthen traps, and skies of lightning

all this left behind us
lots of space to fill
lots of vacant corners
lots of memories still
but we have time to purge them
we have all our time
unless I’m wrong
could I be wrong?

II-III (Godspeed)

your eyes black
godspeed you
my hands red
godspeed you

II-IV (Slave)

all alone, a baby born a slave
vulnerable with infant skin and bone
thrown upon the waters deep and dark
the wolves upon the shore

those who don’t survive
will not be spoken of in this home

II-V (Volta)

instrumental

II-VI (Orphans)

orphans of a dead god
safe at home, you don’t want to be left alone, do ya?
children, wicked wanton
cleanse your mind, you don’t want to be left behind, do ya?
if I could now comprehend
what happened back then
a man who would not, and never stood alone
I remember the names, remember the shame
and the broken days that I’ve known

servants mark the hours
open eyes, you don’t wanna get caught surprised, do ya?
stories, all just stories
we were fooled, you don’t think it was up to you, do ya?

so now we quietly wait
one full of hate, and a man who would not, and didn’t die alone
the full flower of lust that he planted in us
now to bloom in gardens and hillsides of home
poisoned in full, yet nourishment pulls
on our hearts, survivors
and families let go
I’ll remember this best, but as for the rest
of the orphans….
I don’t know

III-I (Chaos)

the chaos and the calm
I am overcome, I fall
the fog and firmament
waiting for you

III-II (Purge)

burned the excess all away
taking stock of what remains

am I now who I was born?
this man feels alien
yet simultaneously me
I recognize

purge the files, close the door
I don’t want you to see me now
for all the meager whims and tries
I still hear my mother cry

III-III (A Toast)

welcome all and come right in
tonight’s diversion is soon to begin
hush the children, no photos please
raise your glasses, gather round
three cheers for the keenest prick in this town
for all of his tries, he’s a regular guy

now this is the part where I take time to tell you
I’m fully aware no one sees me like I do
I’m fully aware that the seriousness with which I take myself
diminishes the empirical quality of all my perceptions
and that divulging the depth of my sorrow
may ultimately serve no damn earthly purpose
but what else are songs for
and why shouldn’t I use them?
why shouldn’t I use them?

some feel the weight
some see the fake
others may choose
to sneak out the gate
after all, there are chores to be done
to those who choose to stay behind
raise your glasses just one more time
for the asshole who tried
he’s a regular guy

now this is the part where I take time to tell you
I’m actually really so much more fucked up than I’ve shown you
I’m actually much more devoid of humanity
than I am comfortable in revealing in mixed company
in actual truth, my one daily mission
and most sacred duty
is keeping my darkness from ever escaping
from seeing the light of day
from snuffing that light out
from snuffing that light out

so please indulge me one reprieve
and never speak of what you’ve seen
just one more time
to the regular guy

III-IV (Loose Ends)

tell Emily that she deserved to wear white on her wedding day.
tell Sue that we’re even, as we both loved like amateurs.
tell Sheila we would have been glorious in L.A.
tell Lindsay that I regret my desperate fragility.
tell Susan I was not lying in Las Vegas.
tell Beth that foxhole friends are hardly friends at all.
tell Roxanne she felt like the only breath I ever took.
thank James for teaching me those first couple chords.
tell my mom how very sorry I am to have never made her proud.
tell Tara that one day I will apologize in a way that makes us BOTH feel better.
tell my siblings I’m sorry I failed them so thoroughly and frequently.
tell Greg and the boys to play my songs once in a while.
tell my father that I knew we were quite the same.
tell Barry that I regret our estrangement as much as anything.
tell grandma that I’m sorry she lost her reason to live, and that i hope she sees him again.
thank all my friends for their kind and enduring indulgence.
sincerely, Marcus.

if I could do it again
I’d be a better man
a stronger man
I’d be a hero to all
like the man you wanted
all along

but those are just words along the way
I suspect I’d be just the same
eternally the person i am now
half crazy, half insane

but if I could do it again
at least I’d try this time
I’d care this time
I’d be the ultimate me
given a chance again
I’d try again

but those are just words along the way
I know I’d be just the same
and that’s okay

III-V (Requiem)

all is still
here within
the cold
it fills
all I’ve known

all alone
stagger to that place
chosen

now I lay me low
now I lay me low

credits

released November 18, 2013

(c) 2013 Kilhippie Global Publishing (ASCAP)

Recorded August 2012-November 2013 at the Bingham Spiderweb Museum, and at my Mom's house in East End.

Written, performed, and recorded by Marcus Loren Matthews.

Cover photo taken by Marcus Loren Matthews at the Saint Francis Cemetery, Superior, WI. November, 2013.

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Track Name: Part I : Definition
I-I (Water)

at the waking all is still
for the moment, an act of will
till the child release it’s wailing
we will not see home again

I should have died upon the water
I recognize the truth again

so the wretched do their part
gallant life now reduced to art
at the player’s first positions
so begins the tale of tales

I should have died upon the water
I should advise, the fool speaks again
I deputized your sons, your daughters
I told the lies that drew our end
I should have died upon the water
I should have died, but here I am
here I am

I-II (Signatory)

in years since I walked away
I’m feeling the lie set straight
chambered and quarantined
that’s not what disclosure means
ragged and run aground
silent I hear that sound
waiting with labored breath
I always forget the rest

still wanders in the man
a fine feathered pen in hand
selling the last great dream
knowing what desperate means
they all know what desperate means
we are men of desperate means

and the fine print says behave
and the bold print drives it home
in return the father’s love
will insure your voyage home
and the fine print deals in time
that the bold print wont refine
so the lonely sign their name
you put yours right next to mine
you put your right next to mine
you sign, and I’ll sign

I-III (Remains)

I wasted good weather
on reeling, course correcting
should have figured it out
so very much sooner
the feelings clear like clouds
and what remains seems tainted
the stains seem permanent

throw me out
they threw me out and stole my home
hold me now
show me how I am
to live a life in what remains

the wasteland, still warm
the ruins that warn
times needy and dire
are coming

I-IV (Black Fawn)

echoes are the way
surfaces betray
the absence of content
I know no other way
these walls so thin
I cannot avow this anyway

so here you find me, wasted and broken
I fall to darkness, a true born black fawn

how much of this can I put on you?
practicing your deft evasions
your quaint illusions
I want there to be more that I can transfer
and delegate
to someone I can erase
who’s not wearing my face

yet here you find me
wretched and righted
and reigning in darkness
your baby boy….a black fawn

upon the thrones of men
I see myself again
in cloaks, natured and nurtured
mine is only to survive

until you find me
face down and smiling
and left there in solitude
and end fit for endings
let flags fly, let the trumpets sound
the very last of the black fawn

I-V (Suspicions)

a moment to affirm the claimant please
a moment to confirm the motive as pure
if I’m to do this, if I’m to surrender
then I need to be sure

can you repeat that last bit
the sound landed hard on my ear
you seem to be saying, seem to be claiming
to be speaking for god

see liars and lovers of power and more
have long roamed the causeways
our prairies and shores
and you my friend have the look of them

have you come to save me?
have you come to rape me?

I-VI (Ghosts)

knowing that I was right
knowing that you conspired
knowing all that I know now
I’m claiming you as a liar
Knowing all of the words
left now to ring in my head
knowing they’ll be no relief

I release the ghost inside you
I commit your essence to the earth
And all your deeds to history
I will be the first to forget

knowing all that was lost
knowing the reach of the fire
knowing how long it would take
for this aching fear to expire
and still there you stand on that hill
with ribbons and bows on the wind
and new victims still marching in
marching in

I release the ghost inside you
I commit your essence to the earth
and all your acts to history
I will be the first to forget

take a moment to breathe
take just a second to grasp
all of the damage you’ve caused me
you’ve poisoned my first to my last
and so in this desperate place
and so with the power now in hand
I finally now can embrace my past

I release the ghost inside you
I commit your essence to the earth
and all your deeds a history
I will be the first to forget

you broke me
Track Name: Part II : Escalation
II-I (Rise)

old bones disparate parts
scattered fragments
leave us little to rebuild with
just a faint wish and a blueprint
someone left behind

still you and I
we will somehow find a way
to rise and make this right again

pull back, all your cells track
and recall, and store for the winter
is all we need, and the seed
of something new

you and I
we will somehow start today
to rise and construct our better end
we will build our better end
we will build our better end
decide our own end
decide our own end
we will decide our own end

II-II (Traps)

all this now behind us
its time to sell it all
every serious offer
will be entertained

see we need room for whiskey
we need room for sex
we need room to grow into ourselves

baby that’s enough
maybe its enough to build
a new beginning
sex to feel, and drink for numbing
that’s quite enough you say
just don’t let loose my hand you say
the jump is frightening
earthen traps, and skies of lightning

straighten your spine
collars and cuffs
the dream is real
the fire burns still
while you’re wasted a
nd while you’re wanton
I’ve been so busy
I’ve been so bad

baby that’s enough
maybe its enough to build
a new beginning
sex to feel, and drink for numbing
that’s quite enough you say
just don’t let loose my hand you say
the jump is frightening
earthen traps, and skies of lightning

all this left behind us
lots of space to fill
lots of vacant corners
lots of memories still
but we have time to purge them
we have all our time
unless I’m wrong
could I be wrong?

II-III (Godspeed)

your eyes black
godspeed you
my hands red
godspeed you

II-IV (Slave)

all alone, a baby born a slave
vulnerable with infant skin and bone
thrown upon the waters deep and dark
the wolves upon the shore

those who don’t survive
will not be spoken of in this home

II-V (Volta)

instrumental

II-VI (Orphans)

orphans of a dead god
safe at home, you don’t want to be left alone, do ya?
children, wicked wanton
cleanse your mind, you don’t want to be left behind, do ya?
if I could now comprehend
what happened back then
a man who would not, and never stood alone
I remember the names, remember the shame
and the broken days that I’ve known

servants mark the hours
open eyes, you don’t wanna get caught surprised, do ya?
stories, all just stories
we were fooled, you don’t think it was up to you, do ya?

so now we quietly wait
one full of hate, and a man who would not, and didn’t die alone
the full flower of lust that he planted in us
now to bloom in gardens and hillsides of home
poisoned in full, yet nourishment pulls
on our hearts, survivors
and families let go
I’ll remember this best, but as for the rest
of the orphans….
I don’t know
Track Name: Part III : Release
III-I (Chaos)

the chaos and the calm
I am overcome, I fall
the fog and firmament
waiting for you

III-II (Purge)

burned the excess all away
taking stock of what remains

am I now who I was born?
this man feels alien
yet simultaneously me
I recognize

purge the files, close the door
I don’t want you to see me now
for all the meager whims and tries
I still hear my mother cry

III-III (A Toast)

welcome all and come right in
tonight’s diversion is soon to begin
hush the children, no photos please
raise your glasses, gather round
three cheers for the keenest prick in this town
for all of his tries, he’s a regular guy

now this is the part where I take time to tell you
I’m fully aware no one sees me like I do
I’m fully aware that the seriousness with which I take myself
diminishes the empirical quality of all my perceptions
and that divulging the depth of my sorrow
may ultimately serve no damn earthly purpose
but what else are songs for
and why shouldn’t I use them?
why shouldn’t I use them?

some feel the weight
some see the fake
others may choose
to sneak out the gate
after all, there are chores to be done
to those who choose to stay behind
raise your glasses just one more time
for the asshole who tried
he’s a regular guy

now this is the part where I take time to tell you
I’m actually really so much more fucked up than I’ve shown you
I’m actually much more devoid of humanity
than I am comfortable in revealing in mixed company
in actual truth, my one daily mission
and most sacred duty
is keeping my darkness from ever escaping
from seeing the light of day
from snuffing that light out
from snuffing that light out

so please indulge me one reprieve
and never speak of what you’ve seen
just one more time
to the regular guy

III-IV (Loose Ends)

tell Emily that she deserved to wear white on her wedding day.
tell Sue that we’re even, as we both loved like amateurs.
tell Sheila we would have been glorious in L.A.
tell Lindsay that I regret my desperate fragility.
tell Susan I was not lying in Las Vegas.
tell Beth that foxhole friends are hardly friends at all.
tell Roxanne she felt like the only breath I ever took.
thank James for teaching me those first couple chords.
tell my mom how very sorry I am to have never made her proud.
tell Tara that one day I will apologize
in a way that makes us BOTH feel better.
tell my siblings I’m sorry I failed them so thoroughly and frequently.
tell Greg and the boys to play my songs once in a while.
tell my father that I knew we were quite the same.
tell Barry that I regret our estrangement as much as anything.
tell grandma that I’m sorry she lost her reason to live,
and that i hope she sees him again.
thank all my friends for their kind and enduring indulgence.
sincerely, Marcus.

if I could do it again
I’d be a better man
a stronger man
I’d be a hero to all
like the man you wanted
all along

but those are just words along the way
I suspect I’d be just the same
eternally the person i am now
half crazy, half insane

but if I could do it again
at least I’d try this time
I’d care this time
I’d be the ultimate me
given a chance again
I’d try again

but those are just words along the way
I know I’d be just the same
and that’s okay

III-V (Requiem)

all is still
here within
the cold
it fills
all I’ve known

all alone
stagger to that place
chosen

now I lay me low
now I lay me low
Track Name: Part III : Release (Instrumental Version)
(c) 2013 Kilhippie Global Publishing (ASCAP)